Saturday, December 4, 2010

No Pants Challenge Day 150 - The Great Recession

"Yeah, if you get married in Vegas, you're only married in Vegas." - Phoebe Buffay

Milestones are an important part of any challenge. Up until this last week, I had been bragging to my cohorts about the grace and skill with which I had scaled my own Pillsbury Challenge, much like an oblivious Yodeler sliding up a purple mountainside on The Price Is Right. Heck, I was expecting to zoom in on Day 150 of The No Pants Challenge and prematurely unleash the tethers of my Mission Accomplished Kathleen banner without a hitch or a scrap of denim to be found.

Until Day 149. Tuesday. The Day the Music Died. The Day the Earth Stood Still. The Day A Hush Fell Over a Crowded Room of Monkeys as They Stared at the Silenced Typewriter Keys Beneath Them. The Day a Hyphenated-Monstrosity Reared its Head out of the Foamy Wake of Rushed Plot Points.

Pillsbury-Howell. In case you haven‘t noticed, I didn’t see that one coming. At all.

Morning. Day 150. After a night of fitful sleep, I rolled out of bed. As the door to my closet creaked open, a vast abyss of betrayal lay before me as I recalled the previous night's events. How well did I really know Juicy Couture Fruity Print Skirt? Had the bee on my Kate Spade cardigan always scowled at me that way? Even dearest, dearest Penelope Mary Jane was but a stranger to me now.

When the bottom fell out, it felt as though the Pillsbury Clothing Market had crashed under the swift, sparkly flash of a single piece of jewelry. Standing in my closet was like walking into the lobby of Lehman Brothers on the day after. Like swimming in an ocean of first edition beanies babies forty-five minutes after beanie babies became totally totally lame.

Afraid my vengeful pants-filled fury would disappoint the tens of people who care about the No Pants Challenge, I did the only rational thing I could think of. I grabbed the drabbest, oldest dress that I had and wore it. I would teach my Pillsbury clothes a lesson they would never forget. If they had thought I couldn’t live without them, well then they had better think again before they pull some sweepsweekesque stunt like THAT again.

But as the day wore on, and I tugged and scratched at the faded collar of my dress, I began to consider something. I thought about how Emma Pillsbury is the most loyal and honest of fashion heroes. How even though husbands may come and go (but the Chanel slingback is forever! - Karen Walker), that Emma Pillsbury would never compromise who she is and what she wears.

Don’t get me wrong. Progress can be great. Have you noticed how paper clips are migrating into asymmetrical positions on her desk, and pencils are strewn haphazardly in her coffee mug?

And yet sometimes, keeping some things about yourself just the way they are can be quite lovely. Knowing that I can turn on my TV every Tuesday and be welcomed by the same classic, fabulous fashion of one Emma Pillsbury is a comfort. Sure, she may get hitched on a whim. But goodness, she’d never do anything REALLY rash. Like jeggings-rash.

For those of you content with the outcome of Tuesday night’s episode, I salute you, your optimism, and your dedication to The Stamos. For those of you still huddled in the panic room in your basement with a bucket full of crustless PB&J's, you have my deepest of sympathies. I can only offer you the consolation that whatever day of the No Schuester Challenge our beloved Ms. Pillsbury-Howell is on, that there is an end in sight. Until then, let us not drown ourselves in sorrows but clad ourselves in cardigans. Lift ourselves up with PMJs. Oh, and invest in the market! God knows no one else is crazy enough to bail us out.

P.S. I have this theory that Emma’s brooches are now sending secret subliminal messages to Will. Any guesses as to what these mean? Heee.


Dana said...

OMG, that was perfect, girl.

"The Day A Hush Fell Over a Crowded Room of Monkeys as They Stared at the Silenced Typewriter Keys Beneath Them." LMAOOO!

Tea said...

Thank you so much for this post! For showing us such a shining example of fortitude in this strange and frightening new world that Ryan Murphy has created.
I only watched Special Ed yesterday (oh to think my world was so different a mere 24 hours ago) and I am in the very early stages of grief - yep I'm totally in denial. But it's nice to know that as I work my way through this process, pretty clothes will indeed get me through :)

martine said...

What a gorgeous piece of writing. It was like a eulogy.

Tara @ Tara Being Tara said...

Love this post!!

Catherine said...

Fabulous post! Perfect start to my weekend!

Jamie said...

You are awesome Kathleen!

Eliz said...

What TV are you watching that Emma is on every Tuesday?? She seems to be a monthly afterthought at this point. :(

"How well did I really know Juicy Couture Fruity Print Skirt? Had the bee on my Kate Spade cardigan always scowled at me that way? Even dearest, dearest Penelope Mary Jane was but a stranger to me now." HILARIOUS. Stay strong, Kathleen! Show those pencil skirts your unconditional love!

Permanent Rose said...

And here I am, probably the only happy Emma fan, lol.

I think Carl and Emma are so cute.

Mrs. Emma Pillsbury-Howell <3

Anonymous said...

I always look forward to your posts, Kathleen. You are hilarious! It's a hard thing, this Emma-Will-Carl triangle, because Carl seems to be so nice but we all know Emma belongs with Will... Oh, and Emma's brooches just keep getting better, they are so pretty!

Amy said...

i think it means chase me Will chase me :P thats my theory for the brooch :D i love your blog :D keep it up your brilliant xxx

Sherry said...

Awesome blog... I love it! And I agree about the brooches.

Anonymous said...

Funny blog and so true! I am in my basement writing this eating a PB&J. I will try to stay strong. Maybe a trip to Anthropologie will help. I heart Will & Emma!

Jackie said...

This was amazing Kathleen! Your posts always brighten my day :) This one was exceptionally good, and I haven't laughed that hard about something in awhile! And you make a good point! At least we can focus on her amazing clothes while we persevere throughout the Carl phase! (The no Schuester challenge made me laugh out did a lot of other things in this post) I'm glad I wasn't the only one whose life changed for the worse after that episode!

karla. said...

I adore this blog post. So funny, and so true.

Rosemary said...

Thank GOD someone else is panicking as much as I am. Thanks for such an uplifting message of hope Kathleen. Um, and how just how irritating was it that she and Carl hosted a Christmas Eve party and had the gall to invite Will? Not as irritating as the fact the Ryan Murphy refused to show us her wardrobe for said party. I could die of frustration.