Saturday, March 5, 2011

No Pants Challenge - The Ten Commandments of Pillsbury eBay

"The only thing I’m addicted to right now is winning.”- Charlie Sheen after buying Emma Pillsbury Clothes

Did you know that this week is eBay Buyer Awareness Week? Maybe you’ve been on an eBay bender before, and maybe you haven’t. Let me tell you, it isn’t pretty. Or maybe you’ve been lurking a little for Pillsbury clothes but aren’t really sure how or if you want to get your feet wet. I’ve assembled a few reminders to guide you along the way or bring you back from delusional bi-winning.

The Ten Commandments of Pillsbury eBay

I: Winning isn’t everything. Let’s start off with a very Glee-inspired lesson. You’re not winning if you black out from a bidder’s high and lose your second mortgage on a Kate spade dress. You’re not winning. You’re going to wake up married to something you’ve barely even known for an episode and it’s gonna take a full season’s worth of payback to untangle yourself. Restraint is everything.

II. No angry badger faces
. So you’re all tucked in your slanket on the couch, working on your night cheese, and you forgot that an auction was ending. Yeah, it sucks. But your friends don’t want to hear about it and you‘ve probably already used up your angsty blog post quota for the week. Spend a few days away from eBay and let your anger fizzle. Or turn on some Eagles’ songs and sing it out.

III. Live Together, Die Alone. Okay so this isn’t really a rule but throwing in obligatory LOST quotes is in my contract (and “We’re not going to Guam, are we?” doesn’t really make sense in this context). Let other people keep their eyes open for you. No man is an island, and no eBayer is gonna get far floating around in her own little universe. There are blogs and blogs and blogs devoted to certain clothing brands, and these people want to help you. It’s not like they have anything better to do.

IV. It takes more certainty than talent to be a star.
If you go into the hunt thinking you’re going to fail, then you probably are. No one knows what they’re doing when they start out. Make a few mistakes. Tack a picture of your heart’s desire on the wall in front of your elliptical and just focus.

V. Cast your nets in deeper waters.
I love eBay alerts. I have more eBay alerts than Ken Tanaka had flaws. But if you keep your search too specific, then you’re never gonna get anywhere. If you’re looking for a skirt, don’t save an alert for the specific name of the item. Do a broader search just with the brand name and your size(s). You’ll increase your chances and might find something cuter and cheaper that even Emma didn’t know about.

VI. Break the Rules If you really, really, really want something badly, always email the seller. Did you know that even if there’s already a bid on the item, they can sometimes take it down? But if you email a seller and they can smell your excitement, then they’re probably going to hold out until they have the souls of your unborn children. I suggest feigning innocence. Express that you’ve been looking for the item for a while, but IN NO WAY should you let on that the low-ball offer you just flung them is about to make your head explode with delight.

VII. Listen to the universe. If it’s five minutes before an auction ends, and the snipe app on your iphone won’t let you save a bid, or your grandmother calls you again to ask you why you won’t consider going to law school, then it’s more likely than not that the universe is telling you cool your buying jets.

VIII. TV isn’t real. I’ll get back to you when I’ve got a firmer grasp on this one.

IX. There are no white whales. Okay, so maybe you won’t see another pair of size seven and a half J Crew Spencer Gold Mary Janes in your lifetime. But that’s okay. Something better, and less expensive, and more suited for you will come along. There’s a good cross-stitch pillow quote for you. Don’t let yourself be lured by something flashy that may not be the best fit for you, even if it’s a rare find. In other words, don’t go off and marry the first thing that takes you to Vegas.

Which brings me to Commandment X. The longer the wait, the better the payoff. And who better to teach us that lesson than Glee. Going to Anthropologie the day after an episode and handing over your income tax refund is a Sheen rock star from Mars high of its own, but you’re gonna regret it when you see a twenty dollar skirt on next week’s episode that you like even more. It’ll mean more to you when you’re finally united after you spend a season or two or three of pining.

Yes, I’m talking about clothes.


Dana said...

This is so full of awesome. Very sage advice. Makes me want to shed the slanket and get my eBay groove on.

Anonymous said...

Haha. BEST.BLOG.EVER. I might have peed a little. -CK

Anonymous said...

I love how you reference Wemma in your posts and make fun of Carl in them too. It makes me laugh as I take in your sage-like advice.