One day, when my life is exciting, I’m gonna wear these.
AndI tucked the box into my closet. Another day, not too long after, my bow skirt came in the mail. And I thought to myself, One day, when I have a really cool job, I’m gonna wear this to work. And I hung it up in the Pillsbury section of my closet (because clearly I don’t want them under the influence of the more inferior clothing items). For weeks, I’d gaze at my Pillsbury clothes longingly, wondering when my ship would come in and I could wear something. And then I had another thought. What Would Emma Pillsbury Say?™
This is the only mall in Lima, Ohio. Breathtaking, no? So let’s just all suspend disbelief for a moment, and imagine that Glee is for real. That Emma Pillsbury actually lives in a town where the nearest J Crew is 85.2 miles away. Anthropologie, 93.3. Kate Spade, 110. Where apparently the only semi-classy restaurant cannot deny a wheelbarrow from rolling in on its muddy tracks. I can only imagine the fashion horror that would parade up and down the baked potato bar at Breadsticks.
But if Emma Pillsbury thought like I did, then this website would be WWEPWOHLGREASCFWFCT?™ What would Emma Pillsbury wear once her life got really exciting and she could finally wear fabulous clothes? Catchy.
Sometimes I get so caught up in the Hollywood side of Glee that I really forget what lured me in the first place. The Lima Loser Effect. Extraordinary people who live very ordinary lives. Who care about what they do and how they look, whether the rest of the world notices or not. My TV fashion hero isn’t a woman who has a fancy luncheon or a club opening to dress for (sorry, Bradshaw) every day. It’s someone who makes the effort when maybe the only comment she’ll get is an insult. Who walks where the threat of flying, frozen syrupy debris lurks around every corner. In an environment where you could literally wring the greasy hormonal sweat out of delinquents like murky ShamWow juice. Where on one occasion she literally finds herself covered in chunks of Chablis-soaked vomit.
And does this woman ever give up? Does she slap on a bio suit and partition her office with a plastic bubble divider (Moops!!!) to protect her Kate Spade?
NO. Girlfriend has GUTS.
We should all be so brave and stop waiting for that imaginary occasion, when wearing the clothes is what makes the day special. Makes you feel a little more self-confident. Makes that one person in the grocery store stop and shamefully brush the pork rind crumbs off the bib of his overalls.
So pick a day this week, and be a Lima loser. Take that skirt, or piece of jewelry, or pair of shoes that you’ve been saving for the day that Oprah calls you up to tell you you’re on her new favorite things list. And wear them. Unless you currently have a child in the Linda Blair projectile stage of infancy or Mike Rowe has recently visited your place of employment, then there’s really no excuse not to crank it up a notch.
Then get in your car and go somewhere. Make your significant other take you out. If your other is not significant, get your wheelbarrow and go out to eat with friends. I like to wear my Pillsbury best for Thursday night dinners with my dad. Like the Gilmores, only without the scotch and passive aggressive banter.
If you don’t have friends, get out and buy fifteen Tide to Go sticks at Walgreens, because you’re going to need them when you inadvertently flick a gigantic blob of guacamole on your cardigan. Indulge your inner fantasy. Laugh casually and paw the ground in humility while you daydream about being interviewed for your latest achievement. Why just yesterday Terry Gross and I were reflecting on the 20th anniversary of my Emmy win for playing Sam and Diane’s love child on season 8 of Cheers. Don't forget to report back, and I'll do the same.
Remember, Emma Pillsbury doesn't wait for something to happen. Her insanely sized bows draw plot development in like a Death Star tractor beam.
So live it up. Wear your best and engage the inner delusion. Just no sad music and car crying, okay? You're better than that. And before you know it, a hunky colleague will be running towards you in slow motion. Or if you’re like me, some kid will ralph on you. Either way, you’ll look fabulous.